See, our gym is also having month long try outs for the team they will send to regionals for the Crossfit Games. Pretty big deal, eh? I'm trying out. Mainly to see where I stand. Right now it's fun because I'm in the lead. Awww yea. Mostly because I row fast and can move heavy shit. The problem is moving myself. There's the issue. I see a swift falling in standings as the tryouts go on. For now, I'm savouring the moment. But taking inventory right now, it doesn't look so good. There's the structural problem of my spine with L 3-5 being almost bone-on-bone on the left due to an old injury from over a decade ago that I ignored and now I have a crooked spine, which gets me a locked up lower back during some wods and a fantastical amount of pain by the middle of my shift at work where I'm on my feet for 12 hours. (If I'm grumpy by the end of they day, there ya go, I'm a delicate flower, don't handle pain any better than a drug seeker handles a script for Toradol) Then there's the vertigo. GHD sit-ups don't always end well, and it's not the oh-my-I'm-dizzy (said with a southern bell accent), it's exorcist projectile vomiting action. And now I'm dealing with a sprained thumb, yes a little thumb. Lesson of the day kids: release the hook grip at the top of a snatch. You would think it doesn't make a huge difference but I found today that you can't hold dumbells with it and ring dips don't work so well either. Having working opposable thumbs is really what separates us from the rest of the animal kingdom. I think dogs would have done a well job running things, but without opposable thumbs, it's just not an option. (my dog has a dew claw which I know he wishes were a fully functioning thumb. As it is it just hangs there uselessly, taunting him ) Well, primates do have thumbs I guess. No idea why they haven't taken over. Anyhow. It's sucking more than I anticipated. The amount of things I have managed to drop in the last week is awesome. Inventory, I'm going somewhere with this. OK, faulty back and sprained thumb. Marks not in my favour right now. There is also the minor issue of me carrying 20+ extra pounds on my frame. Slows you down a bit. And the asthma. Here's the thing. I know how to lose weight. I'm an ex-figure competitor, I'm awesome at it. However, from the last almost 5 years since my last show, you wouldn't know it. This is from my last show. (funny thing. Justin proposed within a month of this show...hmmmmmm) ;-)
So the losing weight is not a knowledge deficit thing. I just....don't...care. And I truly don't know why. I think about it all the time. Since that show, I got engaged, married, and it's been one long sleepover. My husband is my best friend and we have an awesome time together. Pizza and wine night are big as well as going out to random food places. Sadly, food is a love language for both of us. We love to love on each other with food. That, and we're lazy. How cool is it that you can have someone bring you pizza??? I mean bring it. To your door. Hmmmmm, I'm feeling like wine and a movie tonight. Lets just throw something up on the big screen and click the mouse a few times on the internet and VOILÀ! fellow human brings you dinner, in the form of pizza. Sometimes even with plates you can throw away when you're done. Love that. We don't even have TV. Just a ceiling mounted projector and a screen. Downloaded shows and Hulu are it. Cause man, if I had TV and the ability to channel surf...it would be all over. I would become the fat cat and rescue dog lady, to the point of where I couldn't fit out my front door so delivery food becomes my only option. I'd have long leashes for all my dogs so I could open the door and let them down the stairs to go the the bathroom and I could stay in the house. Maybe I'd have a maid to come clean the kitty litter box. I'd have money to afford this because I would have a thriving business of on-line nutrition clients, lured by old photos of my glory days and the promise that I could lead them to Mecca in the form of Tilapia and asparagus. Because those who can do, do. Those who can't.....
I feel like I've gotten off track here. Motivation. I seem to have lost it. Even in Wods, if it's not a competition I kinda meander through. Unless it's lifting. Love that shit. Me. Push. Heavy. Thing. Over. Head. And life is simple. But anything else, I just kinda cruise. I'm avoiding pain. I have become a hedonist. I want the after workout breathy, " yea, I worked out" feeling. Not the, ohmygodIthinkI'mdying feeling. Where you have literal chest pain and a metallic taste in your mouth and you are truly debating if a cab drive home might be a good idea. I've lost it lately. Maybe because when I started nursing school in January I made a conscious choice that school would come first, competition was out. That first semester I almost cracked. Really. I went to a nasty place. I hate school. I do not do well in a classroom sitting. But I decided it had to be a priority and made it so. Got a good A..not an A-., solid A in first semester....but was it really worth it? I tried to quit crossfit, thought it was too much time in my schedule and I was getting close to crying every class. Only reason I didn't is because my coach Paul (and now owner of http://ruinationcrossfit.com/ , for good reason) sat and talked me out of it. Crossfit community is unparalleled But my performance plummeted Summer was ok, but then the back issue came into play. Then I came back (found that I do not believe in chiropractors) and had the fun experience of what is is like to not crossfit for a month and then try to pick up where you left off. Doesn't happen. So I do get back into my groove and am feeling pretty good and go for a decent snatch of 98lbs and hold on for dear life with my new-found hook grip (trying to be legit here) and I don't release at the top. Snap. crunch, shit. Thumb down. Alao I'm sore. Alot. I do not recover like I used to. And that is one of the things they are looking for in the team. Recovery. I don't have it. Maybe because wine is not a good post-workout recovery drink? Who knows.
So do I have any business trying out for the team? I don't currently have that fire and I'm a physical mess.
But what if? What if I do this Santa Challenge? I mean really do it? What if I dig back into my days of weighing food to the gram and pre and post workout nutrition and glutamine and fish oils and creatine and writing down every. little. thing. If I try a little harder in the workouts. (ok, a lot harder) what if I get rid of this weight vest I'm wearing and see what pull-ups feel like then? What if? This semester is not my thing, pregnant ladies and kids. Not where my heart is at. So I'm meandering through school now. Holding a comfortable B and you know what. I'm fine with that, The effort required to go from a B to and A is enough for me to say, it's not worth it. School is still technically #1. But really it doesn't have to be as horrible as all that. A nurse who got C's is still called nurse. ( Now I can't say I will feel like this about the other semesters. The are things I want to learn and know inside and out so I don't kill a patient. And so I'll know my shit when I start working in the ER, because frankly, I'm going to get hazed since I already work there and I should "know" things and not make the same mistakes other "new grads" make. Sorry, I love you girls, but let's face it. ER nurses are kinda ... well.....you eat your young. (don't get your hackles raised, there are exceptions, a lot actually, probably most of you who are even bothering to read this post)There are some of you that took over a year to win over. A year. And I am a damned hard worker and likeable. I have an amazing filter. I'm the best smiler and nodder you have ever met. I am a middle child for heavens sake, we are the most peace keeping, attention needing, please-love-me people you will ever meet. How can it take a year for that sweet lovin' to soften the heart. Amazing. Point is, I need to be on top of it for real ,not just exam purposes because you don't get to look up drugs during a code and if you mess that up...I need to know my shit. So I anticipate taking school a bit more seriously when we aren't learning piaget's stages of development and if you should give a mirror to a baby.) Right now. I'm starting to re-direct my energy towards crossfit. Where my heart is at. Or maybe I'm just realizing that you can do both. maybe you can have it all. You can work, go to school, be a wife, and competitively crossfit. Maybe you do have it in you to do it all but you were scared that you would fail. So why try now?
Because I'm curious. I wonder what would happen if I threw my hat in the ring. If I walked the hard walk and nailed my nutrition, slept, stretched, spent 15 min a day doing mobility work. Didn't touch sugar, wheat, gluten, alcohol. Did all the workouts with heart. Spent time on my own, hill sprinting, working on my double unders, practicing handstand walking. What would that look like? I have no idea. But I'm curious to find out. But will that curiosity be enough?
Brought to you by wine. Goodnight.
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